Peach's Wrath
by Medusa Head
Summary: Peach's Wrath is a bizarre story of how Mario snitched himself another girlfriend... and the downfall of Mario and Peach's relationship, all the way down into the plumber's pipe that Mario runs around in.
1. Dinner at Shelly's

PEACH'S WRATH  
  
It was a lovely day outside - birds singing, bees humming as they collected nectar, the sun shining and a nice cool breeze outside, but Peach didn't want to go out. Certainly not. She'd get sunburned or stung by a bee, maybe. Peach smoothed out her beautiful dress that she had only acquired two hours before. Peach only wore each of her dresses once before announcing that it was battered. In fact, Peach was always so careful with her dresses that when she wore them, you couldn't even see the slightest bit of dirt on her dress. No one ever objected to this, however. After all, Peach was a princess, and, as Peach always told herself, princesses always get to do what they like. Well, most of the time. This dress was bought today because Peach was going to go out with her friend, Jean Lucrostic, for dinner at Shelly's, Peach's favorite restraunt.  
  
Peach glanced at the clock anxiously. The clock ticked away slowly. Peach sighed and got off the chair she had been sitting on.  
  
"What was I thinking?" Peach wailed to herself out loud. "It's not even five o'clock yet, and still I'm sitting here, waiting, when the dinner is more than three hours away! I guess I could use some of that make-up stuff Daddy gave me for my birthday last year."  
  
Peach rushed up the stairs so fast Peach felt like she was flying. At the top of the stairs, she hollered,  
  
"Bonzo, where are you? Bring me my Jade's Shades Make-up thing right now!" A short little servant appeared almost immediately with the Jade's Shades Make-up set in his hands.  
  
"Is this what you were looking for, my majesty?" the servant trembled, stuttering and trembling on every word.  
  
"Yes, Bonzo-butt! Now, scoot!" sniped Peach, snatching the set from Bonzo and stomping off to the bathroom.  
  
Two hours and a half later, Peach emerged from the bathroom. She looked. well, very pretty. Her hair was curled up into two balls on the side of her head, giving her somewhat of a "Princess Leia" hairdo. Her cheeks were a rosy pink and Peach had inserted her best earrings in her soft, small ears. Bonzo fainted when he saw her.  
  
"Bonzo, I'm going!" declared Peach. "Tell Daddy I've left, okay?" Bonzo nodded and began to sweep the floor.  
  
Soon Peach arrived at Shelly's. Jean was already there in a white shirt and a plaid skirt.  
  
"Good evening, Princess!" Jean cried, waving. Peach ran forward and hugged Jean. They were very good friends as you can see.  
  
While waiting for their meal, Jean gabbed on and on. Jean loved to gossip and always knew what was going on throughout the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach would always nod and let Jean continue. Most of the things Jean talked about were things Peach already knew about or were just plain silly. But one of Jean's topics caught Peach's attention.  
  
"So, didja hear about Mario's new engagement?" Jean gossiped. Peach shook her head. She wasn't alarmed, well, not yet. Jean often heard rumors that weren't true, so Peach suspected Jean was just talking about a make-believe rumor. Jean continued,  
  
"Luigi told me all about it. He says Mario is going out with a girl who just moved to Toad Town named Christina. He says Christina's very charming and cute."  
  
The rest of the meal was in silence, for Peach had gotten a bit frustrated because Jean kept talking about how Mario probably set the whole thing of "Super Mario64" up to get famous, people began to stare. Peach had stuck a roll in Jean's mouth to make her stop talking. After that, Jean got the picture.  
  
The next morning, Peach awoke from a terrible nightmare. She had dreamt about Mario. It wasn't a good dream about Mario. Peach dreamt that Mario really did have another girlfriend. Moreover, no matter how hard Peach tried to forget the dream, it kept haunting her. Therefore, poor Peach went to Luigi's to get clarification to see if Jean was correct.  
  
"Ah, itsa Peach!" Luigi exclaimed as he opened the door and saw Peach. "Itsa been a long time, eh, no? Sit down at the table and I'll get some coffee! You like coffee, no?" Peach nodded and sat down.  
  
"So, you sayin' you think Mario has new girlfriend, no? I am a dear friend and brother to Mario, so there nothin' I don't know, no? Itsa true, Peach, Mario dumpin' you for another girl, itsa true, itsa true. Pretty girl, she is. You met her, no?" Luigi said with his strong Italian accent. Peach daintily took a small sip of her bland coffee and murmured,  
  
"No, I haven't yet met her. Luigi, by any chance do you know of Mario's whereabouts?" Luigi shrugged and replied,  
  
"Mario been all about with new girl. He mighta be down near the post office in Toad Town. If he not there, you give up, no?" Peach pursed her lips for a few seconds before saying,  
  
"Give up? No, I'm going to track him down." Luigi shrugged and announced,  
  
"Well, Peach, itsa nice talkin' to you. Me gotta get down to grocery store, no? Mario gonna kill me if me don't get the groceries, no?"  
  
Peach nodded and exited out of the house.  
  
End of Chapter One 


	2. The Affray at Toad Town's Post Office

Peach hurried over to Toad Town's post office. Sure enough, Mario was there, flirting with a girl Peach supposed was Christina. Peach hollered,  
  
"Yoo-hoo, Mario dear!" When Mario ignored her, she ran up and hollered in his ear,  
  
"Mario, do you hear me? Listen up! I don't know what in the holy bible you're doing but remember, I'm your girlfriend here!" Before Mario could respond, Luigi's voice filled the air, shouting,  
  
"Ah, Peach, you found Mario, no? I done with my shopping, yes!" Luigi rushed over pushing a cart filled to the brim with food. Mario stood up and walked slowly over to Luigi, yelling,  
  
"Luigi!!! Why did you tell her???" He began to shake Luigi, who had a carton of eggs in his right hand. Luigi cried,  
  
"She princess, no? Princesses need info or they take your head, no?" Luigi's comment got Peach infuriated. She marched over and screamed into Luigi's ear,  
  
"Excuse me, but when, tell me, have princesses ever been that barbaric?! You, of all people, call me barbaric! I might have never taken someone's head, but I can do so to you right now!" Luigi thrashed his arms desperately and squealed,  
  
"Itsa joke! Itsa joke!" He accidentally let go of the eggs. The carton, however, was broken and so all the eggs spilled out all over Peach.  
  
"Oh my god! My dress!" shrieked Peach. "As if this wasn't enough, Luigi!" She stomped off with egg in her hair and the people of Toad Town giggling and bursting into peels of laughter.  
  
Later that night.  
  
Bipi, Bonzo's wife, tried to get the egg out of Peach's hair that night. Bipi began to comb Peach's hair, but Peach's hair had hardened from the yolk. The brush stuck in Peach's hair and broke when Bipi tried to yank it out. Bipi and Bonzo's son, Butas, sang joyfully,  
  
"Eggs, eggs everywhere! Eggs, eggs everywhere! My Mad Majesty, you've had quite an eggy, eggy, eggy day!" Butsy, Bipi and Bonzo's baby daughter, echoed,  
  
"Eggy, eggy, eggy. Eggy, eggy, eggy!" Peach gritted her teeth.  
  
Two hours later.  
  
"I'm sorry, My Majesty, but that's the best I can do," Bipi murmured, getting up and then putting Butas and Butsy to bed.  
  
The following week was a horrible, miserable bad-hair week. 


	3. The Stupidest Chapter Yet

Peach was still steaming a month after the egg incident. However, staying angry wasn't really going to help anything because the longer Peach fumed, the more intimate Mario and Christina became.  
  
Therefore, Peach planned and planned. Somehow, somehow, she just had to ruin Mario and Christina's relationship! Every plan Peach devised just didn't seem practical.  
  
"Bonzo, have you ever been dumped by a friend and then tried to ruin their relationship with someone else?" Peach asked Bonzo one day after Peach had furiously ripped up a plan that had seemed practical, but suddenly wasn't.  
  
"Me, My Majesty? Now that I think of it, yes indeed! When I was thirty- six--" Bonzo began but was cut off short by Peach, who asked,  
  
"Thirty-six? How old are you now, then?"  
  
"Forty-six. Is there anything wrong with that, My Majesty?"  
  
"No, go ahead."  
  
"As you wish, My Majesty. When I was thirty-six, I had a girlfriend who was named Sara. I had known Sara since we were both very young children and we had always been friends. One day I popped the question while at dinner at Sara's house. I had bought a beautiful, lovely ring for twenty hundred coins for Sara, all shined and ready in its box when Sara told me she was already engaged with someone else. My heart - it was so dramatically, awfully, completely, absolutely shattered. Therefore, I went and offered her the next day to go out. I tried to convince--"  
  
"That's it! Thank you, Bonzo-butt! That's the thing I need to do!" Peach screeched, hugging Bonzo until Bonzo was blue. Peach scampered off leaving Bonzo utterly and completely confused. (Peach had never been that affectionate with Bonzo before.)  
  
Her plan had been devised. 


	4. Dates are for Shmucks!

Peach worked at her plan all week long. Long after her servants and father had gone to sleep, Peach would get up in her night robe and glide ever so silently down the beautiful stairs to do research and check once again that her plan was foolproof.  
  
After two more days, her plan was surely fail-safe, as Toad liked to say. Peach planned to take Mario out on a day where Christina was out of town, visiting distant relatives. They would go out for dinner and maybe have a little fun at the racetrack before going to the movies. While that was all going on, Peach would slowly work towards Mario.  
  
Therefore, to assure her plan's safety one last time, Peach called up Luigi and Mario's number.  
  
"Hello, this is Princess Peach. Is Mario there?" Peach said in a super- sweet voice.  
  
No answer.  
  
"Hello?" Peach cried into the phone.  
  
It was silent except for some static that sounded vaguely of smothered laughter.  
  
"Luigi, I know you're on the phone laughing like a lunatic and you better give the phone to Mario!" Peach screeched into the phone, losing her temper.  
  
"This is not Luigi," a deep voice said. There was a trace of Italian accent. It couldn't be Luigi though because Luigi had a very, very heavy accent. It had to be Mario.  
  
"Who is it then?"  
  
"It's. it's Mario," stuttered the voice.  
  
"Is it really you, Mario?"  
  
"Yes. What business do you have with me?"  
  
"Look, Mario. I was just wondering if we could get to. I mean, just be friends. And as friends."  
  
"Hold on a sec! Friends? Friends? I thought you hated me after the egg incident, but of course that was all Luigi's fault."  
  
"I'm not mad anymore, Mario. I wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me this Saturday at 6 o'clock PM."  
  
"Well. uh, sure, I guess. How can I refuse?"  
  
"Good. Goodbye."  
  
Peach was happy, but Mario wasn't.  
  
Mario slumped back into the couch, mumbling. He was distressed terribly. He still liked Peach but Christina was better. He knew what he had done was very wrong indeed. He knew he should have never dumped Peach so suddenly and abruptly like that, but it just happened too quickly for Mario to understand at first what was going on. He knew in the darkest corner of his heart, that Peach didn't just want to be friends. She wanted more than that. However, how could Mario give two girls that?  
  
It was, however, best that Mario went anyway. 


	5. Stump the Spiky Peach

The time between that Wensday and the special Saturday with Mario seemed to go all too slowly for Peach, who was very excited for Saturday, but it went too fast for Mario, who didn't want to go out with Peach at all.  
  
Finally Saturday came. Peach put on her newest and prettiest dress and hired the best hair-grooms to fix her hair. When eight o'clock came, Peach excitedly ran over to her limo and ordered the driver to quickly drive over to Shelly's. She got out as soon as the limo came to a halt.  
  
Peach looked around for Mario. Mario didn't look like he was there yet. Peach decided to wait.  
  
In fact, Mario was already there, hiding in the bushes, hoping Peach would not see him. Luigi came up behind him and cried, startling Mario,  
  
"Hiya, Princess Peach Toadstool! You looking for Mario, no? He over-" Mario quickly covered Luigi's mouth with his left hand and slugged Luigi in the gut with his left hand lightly. He pulled Luigi down and whispered,  
  
"Be quiet! I don't want to go on this date. I'm avoiding Peach at all costs. Hey, Luigi, I got an idea. Why don't you go out with Peach instead? We can switch clothes." Mario grinned when he saw Luigi light up. Mario knew Luigi had a major-time crush on Peach, so he wasn't surprised when Luigi nodded eagerly.  
  
"When do we switch, eh?" Luigi asked excitedly.  
  
"Right now," Mario said as he headed to the men's room, dragging Luigi with him. 


	6. A Fool of a Scum

Two awkward figures appeared outside of the men's room. One looked like a slimmer and taller version of Mario. The other looked like a plumper and stouter version of Luigi. Luigi was extremely uncomfortable in Mario's clothes. They were baggy and stopped way above his ankles. Mario, on the other hand, was too small and fat for Luigi's clothes. Peach spotted them and joyfully ran over. She was slobbering up Luigi's face with kisses as Luigi groaned,  
  
"Man, these pants is killin' me!" Mario hissed,  
  
"Act in character! Try to disguise your accent!" Luigi shot Mario a pathetic look as he mumbled something under his breath. Mario quickly explained to Peach,  
  
"Uh, Luigi - I mean, Mario - and I need to have a little private talk for a couple minutes." Peach raised an eyebrow and said discouragingly,  
  
"Since when have you been taking speech lessons? Your accent doesn't sound so heavy anymore." Mario cried, flushed,  
  
"Uh, a couple Tuesdays ago, actually! Um, don't you think I've improved?"  
  
"I suppose it's a ton better than what you used to sound like. You used to sound like a blithering idiot when you talked." Luigi's eyes flared. Mario quickly scurried away with Luigi to five yards away. Luigi hissed angrily,  
  
"What with that, Mario? You make me sound like idiot, no?!" Mario whispered,  
  
"That's 'cause you are, you dummy! Now listen up! You do your best to hide your accent and act like me! I'll do my best to sound like the idiot you are, and it'll be peachy." Luigi looked sulky, but he nodded. They both walked over to Peach, who immediately gushed,  
  
"Oh, I don't think you know how glad I am that you came, Mario! And Luigi, too, I suppose, even though you're really rather stupid. But, gad, Luigi, you should go on a diet or something! And Mario, darling, you look like you've had a good work-out!" Mario felt his ears burn with anger at her comment. Rather than responding, he turned away and walked off. Peach grabbed Luigi's arm and yanked him into the restraunt.  
  
As soon as the waiter seated Peach and Luigi, Peach cried,  
  
"Mario, you absolutely have to hear the latest news that's buzzing around Toad Town! Did you hear this really weird toad (A/N: not the little Toads that live in Toad Town. This toad is a toad, as we know a toad) named Toady inherited his great-uncle's huge army of seaweed? And so-and-so did such-and-such and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Peach rattled on for so long, Luigi fell asleep out of boredom. When the waiter came to hear out what the two wanted for their meals, Peach ordered for him. When the food arrived, Luigi woke up from his catnap and mumbled,  
  
"Huh? Wha? What the heck is front of me, eh?" Peach smiled sweetly,  
  
"I ordered for you. Take a bite. It's delicious." Luigi gulped and stared at his meal. It looked pretty good, but a voice in Luigi's mind sang out: Don't eat it, don't eat it! Luigi ignored his conscience and dug in his spoon. Peach snapped,  
  
"What the heck happened to you, Mario? Did you catch Luigi's stupid? That slob doesn't have any manners and uses the wrong utensils for the wrong meals, just like what you're doing!" Luigi ignored her and hesitantly took a bite of the meal. In just a few seconds' time, he was choking and turning blue from lack of air. Luigi cried as loud as he could in his now- raspy voice,  
  
"... that meal. made. of?" Peach said, looking concerned,  
  
"Oh, it's just veal and rice. Couldn't you tell? Jeez, you really HAVE caught Luigi's stupid!" Luigi gasped,  
  
"I'm. allergic. to. veal." Peach grabbed Luigi by his collar and shook him as she screamed,  
  
"Mario's not allergic to veal! You fraud! You're Luigi, aren't you?" Luigi nodded as he struggled to call 9-1-1 on his cell. Peach stomped off, swearing to kill Luigi. 


	7. Mr Pink Gets Vaporized

Mario visited Luigi in the hospital an hour later. He had a black eye from Peach throwing her make-up set at him. Just by looking at Mario, Luigi could tell Peach had made Mario's life hell. Mario sat down by Luigi's bedside and grumbled,  
  
"You blew it. Peach knows and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't burst in here with a bazooka, you @#%&#@$! I wouldn't mind blowing you to smithereens with a bazooka. Get me that for Christmas, okay?" Luigi brightened up and grinned wildly as he chirped,  
  
"Bazooka bubble-gum? Santana Clothes hears you, Mario, up on the North Pole, yes?" Mario slammed his hand down on Luigi's head as he growled,  
  
"You idiot! I'm talking about the bazooka machinery, not Bazooka bubble- gum! Besides, it's pronounced Santa Claus, not Santana Clothes! After all the time Mamasita spent trying to teach you how to pronounce it, you still don't know how to say it twenty-six years later! Moreover, there's no such thing as Santa Claus anyway!"  
  
"HO HO HO HO HO HO! ON DASHER, ON DIXEN-"(A large fat guy in red and white comes crashing into a nearby tree. The guy squeaks as he splats down on the ground, "MERRRRRRRRRRRRRRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSS!") The two brothers looked out of the window and saw Peach below. She bellowed to the fat guy,  
  
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" She loaded up her bazooka as the guy hiccupped and said day dreamily,  
  
"I'm your true lover. Hic. You're so pretty. hic. Are you a heroin addict like me? Hic. Have you spent half of your life in jail like me? Hic. Are you still living with your mom like me? Hic. Don't tell me the answer. I know you're going, hic, to say yes, hic. We're a perfect match, hic. Make me your king, hic." Peach bellowed again,  
  
"YOU'RE A &#@&#$!, YOU!" The guy replied,  
  
"Oh, hic, but, hic, honey. I'm Santa, hic, Claus. You can't, hic, call me, hic, names, or otherwise, hic, I won't, hic, give you presents, hic." The next thing Mario and Luigi knew, Peach blasted up the guy with the bazooka.  
  
"You were saying?" Luigi asked sweetly. Mario frowned and retorted,  
  
"That guy was our neighbor, dumbbell. You know, that guy who wears pink underwear all the time and drinks five boxes of beer every Saturday night? The one everybody calls 'Mr. Pink' because he wears women's pink underwear? Well, guess we'll be going to his funeral." Luigi gave Mario a strange look before bellowing as he grabbed Mario's shirt collar,  
  
"THAT GUY WAS MY BEST FRIEND, NO?! HE AND I HAD THE BEST TIME TOGETHER"- Mario, disgusted, pushes Luigi out the window- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 


End file.
